Tonight we had one of those terrors of the modern age – the office Christmas party. Now, I don’t dislike these parties but I’m not what you’d call a “sparkly” or “bubbly” guy and people always seem to want to be more cheery at Christmas than is probably good for a person. The real problem, however, is that office parties all seem to have one common denominator … the white elephant gift exchange. This is generally bad. Well, it is for me, because I have the luck of a Saudi Arabian dradle maker.
And buying gifts for these things? Good grief, it’s as stressful as going to the doctor for your 40th birthday physical. Despite the fact the purchase limit is always absurdly low, you don’t want to be the guy who gives a glass jar of spaghetti. You want to get something that is one of two things: useful or funny. Funny is better. Useful and funny is kind of like winning at bingo – someone always seems to do it and it never seems to be you. So there’s a lot of time put into this silliness and you have to hope everyone else is as neurotic about it as you are or you’re just going to end up disappointed – again.
This year the stars aligned and 20 people aside from me were tilting toward neuroticism or were drunk while shopping. There was a shake weight (which is pretty funny if you’re not the one getting it), there was a KISS lava light (and really, what 40 year old wouldn’t want one?), there were magic 8 balls and Buddha incense burners and the obligatory bottle of booze. And when it came time for me to open my bag, I was thinking only this, “Smile and make the best of it…”
The box was about the size of a watch box and white, like the boxes those little statues of angels and stuff come in and it was that thought that was giving me palpitations. Porcelain statuary belongs on bedside tables at old folks’ homes – my apartment has enough aesthetic problems.
But as I opened the box I had a glimmer of hope, because it looked like someone had gotten me a can of Spam – which I thought was really funny in a “what-a-wonderfully-random-gift” kind of way. But it was better.
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| Product of Ireland! |
Somewhere in China, at this very moment, there are small children being forced to work on an assembly line and crying the whole time because they are putting leg and head and body segments of a stuffed animal into a corned beef hash can labeled… ‘Unicorn Meat’.
That is, quite frankly, freaking awesome.
There’s even a helpful graph on the back of the can showing which cuts of the unicorn relate to which ingredients – obviously magic is from the horn and not surprisingly rainbows are from it’s backside.
I have half a mind to re-package it and send it to a co-worker’s daughter who is asking for all things unicorn for Christmas. Still, I think I may keep it, as the can says Unicorn Meat is “an excellent source of sparkles.”
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On a sort-of-related holiday note, last week I entered the world of competitive baking. Ok, I made some cupcakes which were judged along with a dozen other sets of cupcakes. I didn’t win, but our boss publicly stated he liked my display the best so I present it for you below.
Let the record show the triple layer red velvet cupcakes were made from scratch as was the butter cream icing. The hats were made from Oreos and marshmallows (painted black with edible 'paint') and everything on the display is entirely edible. The barricades are Toblerones.
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| In front center is the Police Snowman with his jar of pepper spray. To his right there is a protestor on his face, with his candy hands tied behind his back with red licorice. Chocolate liquor bottles are also in evidence. I can't prove the voting was fixed, but I think I should have won. |
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