Learning about job interviews

A few weeks ago I received my actual orders for retirement – all on paper and formalizing that it will actually happen. And, as I’ve mentioned previously in this space, that I joined the Air Force for pizza, I suppose this is as good a time as any to let you in on what that’s all about. Back in April of 1986 I was sitting at home wondering just what it was I was going to do with myself after high school graduation that June. I’d been accepted to a couple colleges but had no discernible cash and a “misspent” high school career carrying three sports, a job, a great circle of friends and a social life. All of that, of course, left me precious little time to notice – or care – of my top half standing (generously) amongst my peers.

 Anyway, I’m sitting at home and the phone rings. It turns out that Eric – you’ve read about Eric here before - well, he had already signed up to join and I guess he gave my number to the recruiter - Kermit (I swear).

Now, Kermit had a good line of patter and it went something like this: “Look, come on down and you can take a test and have some pizza – I’m buying.” Hmm… free food... well, as I had nothing better to do, I went for the pizza. I took his test and before I knew it he was calling me back telling me I qualified for any enlisted job in the Air Force and I scored especially high on the electronics and mechanical sections of the test.

Even at 17, to say I was stunned would be a gross understatement. The U.S. government would, if I requested it, train me to be a mechanic or an electrician. In fact, Kermit made a concerted effort to get me to do just that.

Let me remind you I once actually grabbed two live connections while showing Shadow “not” to do that very thing. So, you can understand how the idea of me working with machinery or electronics is foolhardy at the very best. The idea of me working on jet engines or weapons of varying volatility, was patently absurd.

Still, I had limited options and continuing to work at the grocery store was not high on the list. So, in essence, I signed up for pizza, despite my friend Mike’s insistence I should join the Army with him.

Mike made a seductive pitch – the Army was only 2 years while the Air Force was 4 and there was more college money involved. But I just couldn’t shake the fact he was asking me to join the Army – and to drive a TANK. If there could be conceived anything more foolish than me working with electronics or mechanical apparati, it would be me at the controls of a 60-ton machine designed to reduce other machines to rubble by way of a disturbing amount of ordnance.

So, instead, I would be a journalist and do my 4 years. That was the plan. Not a day longer. And, after being assigned to Arizona and sitting there for a year desperately wanting to not be in Arizona, the Air Force offered me another assignment – two actually – but I’d need to stay in one more year.

Five years. That’s it. Not a day longer.

After four and a bit I was ready to go – the countdown was on. Then I met Shadow, got married and re-enlisted.

Ok, 8 years. That’s it. Not a …. well, let’s not be hasty.

So, here I sit (with the 29th being my 25th anniversary of service) and after pushing all the magic buttons I have paperwork in hand that will let me say, with some certainty, 25 years, 7 months and 3 days. That’s it. Not a day more.

And the real bummer is that the whole “putting in your retirement papers” process, which I had heard about, envied over, and dreamed of for years, was so utterly, hopelessly and unequivocally… boring.

I had figured that if it took stacks of forms to get into the service, it would surely take a ream of paper to get out and I planned to giggle my way through the entire stack. But alas, no. I answered three questions online. I pushed a ‘submit’ button and my request was magically whisked to my commander who had to call me to “confirm a couple things.”

He called and said, “So, I got your retirement request. Are you sure you want to do this?”

To which I replied, “You’re new aren’t you? I don’t think we’ve met.”

And that was it. A few weeks later I had a confirmed retirement date and now I only have 6 months left. The scary part, of course, is that I have only 6 months left.

Now, I have to go out into the “real” world and find a job. I’ve got to write resumes and do interviews and convince people that hiring me would be a good idea.
So I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time on the internet learning about interviews. I’m coming away from that experience feeling pretty darned good and here’s why: there are a lot of really, really stupid people in the world.

From reasonable and legitimate human resources websites I’ve found lists of things that interviewers hear from people who are seeking meaningful employment – people who I will now consider my competition.

The following are some of the responses employers have heard from job candidates:

- When asked about his experience as a branch manager, the applicant said: “I’m sorry, I didn’t read my resume before the interview.”

- May I have a cup of coffee? I think I may still be a little drunk from last night

- There’s the guy who forgot dark socks to wear with his suit and colored in his ankles with a black felt-tip marker.

- The genius who turned in a resume made of colored paper with glitter designs on the borders

- Hobbies: Getting drunk every night down by the water, playing guitar and smoking pot

- Achievements: Nominated for prom queen

- Skills: I can type without looking at the keyboard

- Reason for leaving: I thought the world was coming to an end.

- Experience: Have not yet been abducted by aliens.

- In what local areas do you prefer to work? Smoking.

- Reason for leaving last job: After saying, ‘it would be a blessing to be fired.’

- The person who asked to see the interviewer’s resume to see if they were qualified to judge

- The guy who wore a jogging suit to an interview as a financial vice president

- Asked if the interviewer would like some cocaine before starting

- Interrupted the interview to phone his therapist for advice on answering interview questions

What I have to do now is differentiate myself from the gaggles of coherent and sensible people out there looking for work. I need to position myself so that hiring managers will think of me first. I’ve got to make that impression that shows clearly, I am the person a company needs and I know how to use my skill and experience to get things done.

If you’re reading this and you’re an HR person – call me. I’ll buy you pizza.