Resolutions and Ben & Jerry's

I don’t know what it is about resolutions - perhaps it’s the feeling of never really having to carry them out that makes them so attractive - kind of like a campaign promise to ourselves. You know, we’ll “try” to be better people but when that inevitably fails, none of us will be surprised. Or care. And then to make ourselves feel better, we’ll just go eat a pint of Ben & Jerry’s.
We are so cynical as a society that even I get a little nauseated.

But I have hope this year for several reasons:

1. It’s a leap year which means we have an extra day to wait before we pay our income tax.

2. It’s an even year which means there is an Olympics of some sort which gives us a break from the glacial sports-cancer that is the Major League Baseball season.

3. It’s a presidential election year which means that as individuals we can all feel pretty good about ourselves again once the campaign advertising starts in earnest and we see the baser side of human nature.

Still, I suppose in the spirit of things, I should make at least an attempt at non-binding, arbitrary and inconsequential self-betterment. Therefore, during 2012:

• I will no longer write 2011 on my checks. Yes, I still write checks – although not at the grocery store because that would just be begging for an ass kicking.

• I will not pay any attention to anything with the word “Mayan” in it. Seriously, the Mayans ceased to exist as a real civilization somewhere about 900AD. There are still technically, Mayans, but there are still Greeks and Romans too. To put this all in some perspective, the Mayans last gasp was about the same time Alfred the Great was beating up the Danes (who were then still a legitimate power) in England. Don’t remember that? Well, exactly. So, if the Mayans couldn’t figure out when they were doomed, I don’t put a lot of stock in them figuring out when we are going to snuff it. Perhaps they just ran out of room on the calendar. Or maybe they got bored? I know I am. Moving on…

• I will really, really, really try to lose the 15 pounds I gained in 2011 while working on my resolution to lose 30 pounds.

• I will find meaningful employment after June. (Actually, that one is legitimate)

• I will probably end up writing Colin Powell’s name on a ballot (again).

• I will do another Soldier Ride somewhere in the United States and you can expect emails solicitations from me as I wish to raise at least a $1,000 this year.

• I will do a century ride on a bicycle.


As much of a beard as I'll likely ever see.
The Hairy Eyeball & Mumps pose
courtesy of  me waiting to hear the
'click' of my camera phone...


• I will grow a beard. (Full disclosure, Shadow has already voted against this idea quite vociferously and my experiment in the last two weeks is showing signs that genetic weakness may also play a large part in ultimately dooming this idea.)

• After Aug. 1 I’m going to call the nearest Air Force base and ask them where they keep their nuclear vessels –but I’m going to do it like Chekov in Star Trek IV and say “Nuclear Wessels.”

• I’m going to invent a word that eventually gets included in the dictionary. In 2011 ‘bromance’ and ‘cougar’ were added as were ‘LOL’ and ‘OMG’, so how hard can it be, really?

• I will stop being surprised by anything I see in Wal-Mart.

• I’m going to try to go a month without buying anything made in China. So, as an addendum to the previous item, if I see something in Wal-Mart that was not made in China, I reserve the right to be surprised.

• Try to resist the urge to correct people’s spelling and punctuation on Facebook. I will, however, continue to point them to http://www.snopes.com/ in the sincere hope they’ll stop spreading the endlessly annoying spam emails. No one is ever going to pay you or any organization money for the amount of “likes” they receive. No one is getting a new heart or other major organ because of your email; God is not going to hate me (or like me) because I don’t pass on a message to everyone on my list; If you did not enter an online lottery in England, you did not win an online lottery in England; no one on the entire continent of Africa wants to give you any money for any reason; 45,000 postcards will not save anyone’s life, but it will ruin the day of a shit-ton of health care workers.

• I will try to not be annoyed by the masses of simple-minded troglodytes who pass on every electron of information as if it were truth without verifying (see paragraph above)…shit…disregard.

• I vow to continue my brain cell-directed boycott of all things Kardashian. I’m happy to say if you put a Kardashian in front of me, I wouldn’t recognize it.

• I may start the “Vote For Anyone Else” campaign to encourage Americans to vote for anyone else other than the person who currently holds an elected position. Perhaps I’ll start a Facebook Page. What do you think? If 10 of you say you’ll join, I’ll create the page. If you are of the creative bent, please copyright the slogan, and start making bumper stickers, t-shirts and coffee mugs – you can gift me a percentage.

And when all is said in done, I’ll probably be sitting here – like you – eating a pint of Ben and Jerry’s by the summer solstice, which is when the Mayans say the giant meteor should be visible.

Happy 2012 everyone.