Each year the American movie-industrial complex spends hundreds of millions of dollars turning out top-quality movies that we, as Americans, spend $15 bucks a pop to go see thus ensuring plenty of jobs for the left-coast motion picture arts crowd.
Well, you do.
I, on the other hand, spend a buck to watch movies that were made for 36 dollars and a case of beer by three pot-heads with a camera thinking they might be able to score enough cash to keep them in zig-zags, Mountain Dew and ding dongs.
I can’t explain it, but it has always been thus. When I was a lad in high school, it didn’t take long for most of my friends to absolutely forbid me from choosing movies. I didn’t pick slasher flicks or anything like that, but I just generally choose crap film. It’s probably genetic.
It’s nice to think that as you age you somehow grow out of such things and develop a sense of taste when it comes to something as simple as choosing a movie. Alas, you would be so very, very wrong.
A few years back while on a temporary duty to do an inspection in some square western state, my friend Gracie and I were availing ourselves of some free time by inspecting the bottom of beer bottles for mice (See “Strange Brew” c1985) when we decided to order a movie on the hotel service. Now, there are a few choices we could have made:
1. Porn. Not likely. Because, let’s face it, no matter how many movies you may see where guys gather together to watch porn, it Just. Doesn’t. Happen. Plus, what Gracie likes to call “SpankerVision” movies typically run about $14 and I’m sorry, that ain’t happening either. Fourteen bucks is a large pizza and as you age a bit, pizza is more enjoyable than watching someone - who isn’t yourself - score.
2. A ‘first-run’ film. These are good movies we’d all like to see but essentially cost as much to watch on your 27-inch, tube-style, in-room television bolted to the credenza, as it costs to watch at the local mega-plex. Except with the added benefit of lousy seating and the likelihood of having your poor quality sound interrupted further by the guy in the adjacent room who opted for choice 1 above.
3. Roe’s choice. If you choose option 3, which we did, you end up with something like “The Life Aquatic” for $3.95.
Now, this isn’t to say Bill Murray’s “Life Aquatic” wasn’t a bad film…yes, yes, it was exactly that. It was vomit on a reel. And while we tried to make it seem like it was so bad it was actually very good, it just wasn’t. It was awful – probably a lot like that Charlie Sheen live performance people were duped into paying $75 to see. At least that’s what I tell myself because it makes the $4 I wasted seem like a bargain by comparison.
So, now that I’m living alone sans cable TV (yup, I’m the one guy you know without cable TV) - I have lots of free time and the magic that is Netflix, to watch as many bad movies as I can stand.
And I do.
So, in the interest of providing you a public service, if ever you find yourself with some free time I’d like to offer the following cinematic suggestions:
“Throg” This is one of those stoner-hippy with a video camera offerings I mentioned. As the name sort of implies this is set in the stone-age and Throg, I assume, is meant to be the hero of the film. It’s kind of hard to say really because he doesn’t say much and he reminds me for all the world of Milton Waddams the “that’s my stapler” guy from Office Space. I'd be willing to bet the set and costume budget were significantly less than the cost for lunch on the one day I'm sure this film was shot in.
Curious as to whether this movie has ever been heard of by anyone but me, I checked IMDb, the Internet Movie Database and found, to my horror, this film was made in 2004. I would have said late 80s at best. Anyway, it also gives the plot in rather optimistic tones… “an immortal idiot is chosen to champion the bored Gods of Mount Olympus. Poor Throg, ever the optimist, stumbles through history, leaving a trail of comic carnage in his wake.”
Let me be plain regarding the preceding sentence: He is. They are. He may be. He most definitely does not.
There is no Pollyanna in the world who believes there is anything resembling “comic carnage” in this film. To be fair, even I didn’t watch the whole thing so maybe it got better after the first 45 minutes, but it’s very doubtful.
So, if Throg doesn’t suit you, I would humbly suggest: “Dorkness Rising”
I really wanted to watch all of this film, because it just sounds like one of those movies that really is so insipidly bad that it would be cult-funny. It’s only half of that.
Again, courtesy of IMDb… “All Lodge wants is for his gaming group to finish their adventure. Unfortunately, they're more interested in seducing barmaids, mooning their enemies, and setting random villagers on fire.”
Sadly, that line is funnier than most of the movie. But you’ve got to admire the chutzpa of a film brazen enough to say, “Dorkness Rising is a hilarious romp through the world of sword and sorcery -- in this case, a world of exploding peasants, giant house cats, and undead roast turkeys”
Come on! Exploding peasants and undead turkeys?! What’s not to like there? Plenty as it turns out.
So, after all this if I still haven’t convinced you to watch a film, I need to quote Rocky the Squirrel…here’s something you’ll really like.
“Netherbeast Incorporated” It’s a vampire flick from 2007. But it’s not the slick, metro-sexual vampire shtick so well known by millions of teenage girls and grown women who want people to think they’re teenage girls – no this movie has a cast: Darrell Hammon (SNL), Dave Foley (News Radio), Robert Wagner (Austin Powers and so many other so-so films and just average TV shows) and Judd Nelson!
Dave from News Radio and John Bender from Saturday detention…wow! And actually, this movie is ok. It’s a dark comedy that has a follow-able plot and some laugh-out-loud lines making it worth watching to the end. And you really have to because it’s a whodunit.
Of course, I could tell you who did it, but that would spoil the ending and I need every opportunity I can get for someone to say I finally chose a good one.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Read this - No inhaling or viewing necessary
I didn’t really want to write anything about Bin Laden in the last post, and I really didn’t want to today either – it was the furthest thing from my mind … until I saw the headline that said Osama had porn.
The word ‘porn’ is like the word ‘free’ – it stops you and makes you look again. Even if you’re not in the market for whatever it is someone is giving away with ‘free’ you’re going to look to see what it is. I had to read the article.
It appears, according to both the Huffington Post and Reuters, that OBL was a randy mullah, a rutting jihadi, dare I say, a taudry terrorist. Amidst his computer files of destruction and carnage, there was a good deal of pornography. The article said, and I quote…
“The officials said they were not yet sure precisely where in the compound the pornography was discovered or who had been viewing it. Specifically, the officials said they did not know if bin Laden himself had acquired or viewed the materials.”
Now, I’m not trying to link any two things that are unrelated together, but…if you were to ask me, that sounds an awful lot like some guy we’re all familiar with…
"When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." –Bill Clinton
They weren't sure if bin Laden himself had viewed the materials? Really? He just happened to have his courier bring him a video montage of Tarts of the Taliban for who? His butler? The guy who was making the suicide vests?
Maybe it was a little T&A (Toes and Ankles for the burquha-wearing set) for wife No. 3 so she would know exactly what kind of thing they were fighting against. Know your enemy...Sun Tzu and all that.
Clinton not inhaling and OBL not viewing are, in my mind, two of the biggest examples of, “This is what we’re going to tell you but we don’t really expect you to believe it” spin-doctoring ever. Why anyone is even trying to give him the benefit of the doubt is beyond me.
And here is something else from the Reuter’s article…
"Three other U.S. officials familiar with evidence gathered during investigations of other Islamic militants said the discovery of pornography is not uncommon in such cases."
It’s not? I would think it would be a little unusual…I mean, a little... No?
Apparently not. I have to wonder what these U.S. officials who are familiar with gathering such evidence talk about in private?
“Hey, Bob, I'm on the team to study the bin Laden files"
"You're such a lucky bastard. You always get the militant files."
"You see them yet?”
“No. Any interesting intel in there?”
“Well, depends on your definition of ‘intel’ I guess.”
“I heard it was all military-realted…”
“Girls of the Israeli Defense Force is kind of military-related I suppose. Ironic, but yeah…related.”
Of course, that’s pure conjecture on my part, because while I saw the headine and the story I didn't read it.
The word ‘porn’ is like the word ‘free’ – it stops you and makes you look again. Even if you’re not in the market for whatever it is someone is giving away with ‘free’ you’re going to look to see what it is. I had to read the article.
It appears, according to both the Huffington Post and Reuters, that OBL was a randy mullah, a rutting jihadi, dare I say, a taudry terrorist. Amidst his computer files of destruction and carnage, there was a good deal of pornography. The article said, and I quote…
“The officials said they were not yet sure precisely where in the compound the pornography was discovered or who had been viewing it. Specifically, the officials said they did not know if bin Laden himself had acquired or viewed the materials.”
Now, I’m not trying to link any two things that are unrelated together, but…if you were to ask me, that sounds an awful lot like some guy we’re all familiar with…
"When I was in England, I experimented with marijuana a time or two, and I didn't like it. I didn't inhale and never tried it again." –Bill Clinton
They weren't sure if bin Laden himself had viewed the materials? Really? He just happened to have his courier bring him a video montage of Tarts of the Taliban for who? His butler? The guy who was making the suicide vests?
Maybe it was a little T&A (Toes and Ankles for the burquha-wearing set) for wife No. 3 so she would know exactly what kind of thing they were fighting against. Know your enemy...Sun Tzu and all that.
Clinton not inhaling and OBL not viewing are, in my mind, two of the biggest examples of, “This is what we’re going to tell you but we don’t really expect you to believe it” spin-doctoring ever. Why anyone is even trying to give him the benefit of the doubt is beyond me.
And here is something else from the Reuter’s article…
"Three other U.S. officials familiar with evidence gathered during investigations of other Islamic militants said the discovery of pornography is not uncommon in such cases."
It’s not? I would think it would be a little unusual…I mean, a little... No?
Apparently not. I have to wonder what these U.S. officials who are familiar with gathering such evidence talk about in private?
“Hey, Bob, I'm on the team to study the bin Laden files"
"You're such a lucky bastard. You always get the militant files."
"You see them yet?”
“No. Any interesting intel in there?”
“Well, depends on your definition of ‘intel’ I guess.”
“I heard it was all military-realted…”
“Girls of the Israeli Defense Force is kind of military-related I suppose. Ironic, but yeah…related.”
Of course, that’s pure conjecture on my part, because while I saw the headine and the story I didn't read it.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
He Who Must Not Be Named
I suppose I’m obligated to say something about the death of He Who Must Not Be Named and what I have to say about it is only a short piece of this posting and then I’ll move on to something else.
Basically, what we witnessed earlier this week was the death of American trust and whatever the opposite of cynicism is – call it naiveté if you will – but we’ve totally lost touch with that ‘50s America (which I never knew personally by the way) where people believed in other people.
Consider that literally within minutes hundreds of thousands of people were posting messages of various descriptions on Facebook and Twitter. Most of these messages were of the “USA-USA” variety or the “I’m-so-glad-the-bastards-dead” variety, or the “show-me-the-body” variety. This is an astonishing thing that information can travel so far so quickly and permeate nearly every level of society. Information is available to people from all social/economic classes on a scale unheard of in human history. Still, like any weapon, information can be frightening if not in competent hands.
Did I just call information a weapon? I suppose I did. Make no mistake, it can be a weapon. The downside is that EVERYONE has it. Even Cletus and Cooter, who are still working on carburetors when they’re not racing lawn mowers. And because everyone has it, everyone feels obligated to use it (like me, yes. I’m not a total hypocrite, I get it).
But what we end up with is a cynicism like we’ve never had before. And if you know me, you know that I know about cynicism. We’ve become a nation – possibly a world – of cynics. And Americans have a capacity to believe others and not their own government that amazes me. Conspiracy theorists were spewing electrons before Voldemort’s body even started polluting the ocean.
Today, three days later, we’re treated to the usual suspects: He’s not dead; this is a government cover up; it’s a political ploy to get BHO elected again and the list goes on. How much? Well, I just Googled “Bin Laden Conspiracy Theories” and turned up 2,360,000 hits.
My favorite theory: Bin Laden’s been dead for years but we’ve kept his body frozen until we needed it.
Wow. Tinfoil hats for everybody.
(Ok, this is now officially not a short piece about Voldemort but rather the whole post. Sorry about that.)
Imagine if the connectivity we had today was around in the ‘60s when we landed on the moon or during World War II. It’s bad enough there are many people who think the moon landings were faked and that there was no holocaust, but what if these events had taken place in the Twitter age…good grief. Hitler would be alive today, or he was captured by the Russians, or the Allies took him to work in a girl’s school teaching home economics…whatever. It would all be out there and there would be people lining up to buy all of it to some degree or other.
All of this simply leads me to believe we are rapidly approaching that place where the lowest common denominator is no longer the lowest, but entirely common. Ironically, it seems all our connectivity, instead of letting us create thoughtful expressions of our own, has merely given us all the opportunity to search until we find expressions that match our own -- giving us an unrivaled capacity for groupthink – which is wholly anathema to any sort of real freedom.
And the people who want pictures … do you really want to see a picture of a guy who has been shot in the head? It’s not television. There isn’t a neat and clean little wound. Well, maybe an entry wound; but at the back there probably isn’t much left. The exit is always larger than the entrance.
So, let’s say the government posted pictures. I’m sure within hours (maybe minutes) there would be people who are very good with computers who would compile “video evidence” that the photos were faked. We’ve seen this happen in regard to 9-11 where people use the ‘evidence’ that the hole in the Pentagon wasn’t shaped like an airplane. The theory, I guess, being that we live in Toon Town where anything going through a wall leaves a perfect silhouette.
What if we release a video from the special forces helmet cameras? Obviously, the videos would be theorized as having been staged in Hollywood. Because we all know how those right-leaning Hollywood types want to ply their trade for propaganda purposes. (I know, sarcasm and cynicism – bonus!)
Americans are the first ones to get indignant and outraged when foreign powers show pictures of captured soldiers, but can we honestly say our desire for ‘proof’ makes us any better? Is it really proof we’re after or just that Roman coliseum thrill of watching wild animals rip people apart? Is it justice or a cheap bit of titillation?
I’m curious as to what makes Joe 6-Pack feel he has the need to ‘know’? It’s not the government’s job to prove each and every little thing to each individual person. Governments don’t – can’t - work like that.
The places you work do not tell you each little detail of what they do – you have to take some of it on faith. Governments work along those lines as well.
When I first heard this special ops team had killed bin Laden and nobody knew about it until after it was over, I thought to myself, “Excellent. That means we can still keep a secret when we really have to.” I had the same feeling when the existence of the F-117 stealth fighter was revealed in the late ‘80s after it had been flying for years.
I sleep better knowing the government can keep its collective mouth shut when something important is going down, the same way I sleep better knowing there are people in uniform who have the capability and the ability to do things on our behalf that, quite honestly, I’d rather not know about.
Personally, I’ll happily believe that BHO made a ballsy decision to go boots-on-the-ground into a sovereign nation without their permission and do what needed to be done. Sometimes a win is a win and you accept it and move on. Save the speech-making; save the ridiculous campus revels; and save your breath with the “prove to me” this and the “show me” that.
I don’t need to have it proven to me he’s dead. You would, however, have to prove to me he’s alive. Good luck with that.
Basically, what we witnessed earlier this week was the death of American trust and whatever the opposite of cynicism is – call it naiveté if you will – but we’ve totally lost touch with that ‘50s America (which I never knew personally by the way) where people believed in other people.
Consider that literally within minutes hundreds of thousands of people were posting messages of various descriptions on Facebook and Twitter. Most of these messages were of the “USA-USA” variety or the “I’m-so-glad-the-bastards-dead” variety, or the “show-me-the-body” variety. This is an astonishing thing that information can travel so far so quickly and permeate nearly every level of society. Information is available to people from all social/economic classes on a scale unheard of in human history. Still, like any weapon, information can be frightening if not in competent hands.
Did I just call information a weapon? I suppose I did. Make no mistake, it can be a weapon. The downside is that EVERYONE has it. Even Cletus and Cooter, who are still working on carburetors when they’re not racing lawn mowers. And because everyone has it, everyone feels obligated to use it (like me, yes. I’m not a total hypocrite, I get it).
But what we end up with is a cynicism like we’ve never had before. And if you know me, you know that I know about cynicism. We’ve become a nation – possibly a world – of cynics. And Americans have a capacity to believe others and not their own government that amazes me. Conspiracy theorists were spewing electrons before Voldemort’s body even started polluting the ocean.
Today, three days later, we’re treated to the usual suspects: He’s not dead; this is a government cover up; it’s a political ploy to get BHO elected again and the list goes on. How much? Well, I just Googled “Bin Laden Conspiracy Theories” and turned up 2,360,000 hits.
My favorite theory: Bin Laden’s been dead for years but we’ve kept his body frozen until we needed it.
Wow. Tinfoil hats for everybody.
(Ok, this is now officially not a short piece about Voldemort but rather the whole post. Sorry about that.)
Imagine if the connectivity we had today was around in the ‘60s when we landed on the moon or during World War II. It’s bad enough there are many people who think the moon landings were faked and that there was no holocaust, but what if these events had taken place in the Twitter age…good grief. Hitler would be alive today, or he was captured by the Russians, or the Allies took him to work in a girl’s school teaching home economics…whatever. It would all be out there and there would be people lining up to buy all of it to some degree or other.
All of this simply leads me to believe we are rapidly approaching that place where the lowest common denominator is no longer the lowest, but entirely common. Ironically, it seems all our connectivity, instead of letting us create thoughtful expressions of our own, has merely given us all the opportunity to search until we find expressions that match our own -- giving us an unrivaled capacity for groupthink – which is wholly anathema to any sort of real freedom.
And the people who want pictures … do you really want to see a picture of a guy who has been shot in the head? It’s not television. There isn’t a neat and clean little wound. Well, maybe an entry wound; but at the back there probably isn’t much left. The exit is always larger than the entrance.
So, let’s say the government posted pictures. I’m sure within hours (maybe minutes) there would be people who are very good with computers who would compile “video evidence” that the photos were faked. We’ve seen this happen in regard to 9-11 where people use the ‘evidence’ that the hole in the Pentagon wasn’t shaped like an airplane. The theory, I guess, being that we live in Toon Town where anything going through a wall leaves a perfect silhouette.
What if we release a video from the special forces helmet cameras? Obviously, the videos would be theorized as having been staged in Hollywood. Because we all know how those right-leaning Hollywood types want to ply their trade for propaganda purposes. (I know, sarcasm and cynicism – bonus!)
Americans are the first ones to get indignant and outraged when foreign powers show pictures of captured soldiers, but can we honestly say our desire for ‘proof’ makes us any better? Is it really proof we’re after or just that Roman coliseum thrill of watching wild animals rip people apart? Is it justice or a cheap bit of titillation?
I’m curious as to what makes Joe 6-Pack feel he has the need to ‘know’? It’s not the government’s job to prove each and every little thing to each individual person. Governments don’t – can’t - work like that.
The places you work do not tell you each little detail of what they do – you have to take some of it on faith. Governments work along those lines as well.
When I first heard this special ops team had killed bin Laden and nobody knew about it until after it was over, I thought to myself, “Excellent. That means we can still keep a secret when we really have to.” I had the same feeling when the existence of the F-117 stealth fighter was revealed in the late ‘80s after it had been flying for years.
I sleep better knowing the government can keep its collective mouth shut when something important is going down, the same way I sleep better knowing there are people in uniform who have the capability and the ability to do things on our behalf that, quite honestly, I’d rather not know about.
Personally, I’ll happily believe that BHO made a ballsy decision to go boots-on-the-ground into a sovereign nation without their permission and do what needed to be done. Sometimes a win is a win and you accept it and move on. Save the speech-making; save the ridiculous campus revels; and save your breath with the “prove to me” this and the “show me” that.
I don’t need to have it proven to me he’s dead. You would, however, have to prove to me he’s alive. Good luck with that.
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