There are how many beers in a rack?

I finally have definitive proof that the internet is NOT bringing us together as a nation or making us a more homogenized society. You would think that it would – because we are all sharing the same platforms, looking at the same stuff (well, some of the same stuff) and we are, we’re told, connected to a degree never before possible without two tin cans and a bit of string.

Still, there is some way to go before we are all conversing using only thought waves and foregoing speech altogether. I know this because of beer. You see, the last time I went to a gathering I asked the host if I could bring anything – you know, because it’s polite and the Shadow says I should do things like that. Be polite, that is.

As an aside… Ladies, when part of a couple's gathering, there isn’t a man alive who asks “what can I bring?” without hoping that the answer will simply be, “Nothing. We’re good.”

When tasked to do this, I generally have to take out a notepad so I can make sure I understand exactly what type of cold and hot salads are already being brought by others and what food allergies the neighbor’s little punk-ass kid has. I also have to make an extra note to be sure not bring food that might contain anything resembling hot wings.

Oddly, however, in a group made up of only guys, we have no problem asking that question because when we do, we know the answer will be: “bring whatever you want to eat and drink.” And because everyone there is a guy on a kitchen pass, you’re going to like everything on the buffet line. You just know it.

Anyway, I ask the question and I’m told, “Yeah, bring a rack of beer.”

Fine. Easy enough. And I come back with a 12-pack of beer.

Only, here, a 12-pack isn’t a rack. Here, a rack is a case. So not only am I looking dim, I’m also looking cheap despite buying good beer. Where I grew up, a rack was a 12 pack. I’ve read now that it can be as much as a 30-pack of cans. Who knew?

And that got me to thinking – as beer often does – that despite all our technological advances, the fact of the matter is, even in America, we still can’t agree on how many beers are in a rack – much less, decide on far more important issues like how come I can listen to Bryan Adams music now when it used to give me intestinal cramps in my late teens?

And I think as a nation we’re getting ahead of ourselves in trying to solve our debt crisis, or fix the economy, or get people back to work. We should be working to find some common ground on small issues so we can more effectively deal with the big stuff.

Being the fine, upstanding American that I am, I would like to propose a list of items that we should try to tackle first, to give ourselves a much needed boost of confidence and some momentum before taming a multi trillion dollar debt.

1. The rack thing. Obviously. Let’s just start there. We’ll call it a case for domestic beer and a 12-pack for anything that doesn’t suck.

2. Which ear can a guy wear an earring in? It’s different wherever you go. …or have we decided it doesn’t matter and just said to hell with that one? Nobody tells me these things.

3. We need an easily understood spicy index for food. I think we should use geographic regions of the country. New England is for food with the spicy-ness of say, chocolate pudding, while Texas is for food that causes brush fires.

4. We need to agree that marshmallow fluff belongs with the peanut butter at the grocery store and not with the baking products. What the hell is up with that anyway?

5. Beer that is in bottles that are not twist-offs should be made to include an opener on the pack – kind of like the built in sharpener on big boxes of crayons.

6. We need to decide if it’s entirely necessary to have a shampoo called “Black Orchid Velvet Hibiscus” (An actual product – I saw it at Target)

7. We need to come up with a standard computer operating system that doesn’t suck and at the same time doesn’t turn you into an arrogant little prick with a misguided superiority complex.

8. Every coffee house barista should understand the words, “black coffee” and not make you learn 18 words of a foreign language to size it.

9. It’s time that women just start calling a size 38 pant a size 38 and stop trying to kid yourselves into thinking that a low number doesn’t make you fat. If we keep on at this rate my daughter will be ordering her prom dress in a size represented by a fraction.

10. Is it less filling or does it taste great. I think we’ve had enough time to figure it out and I’m just as sure it isn’t both. Let’s move on.

I invite you to add your own thoughts to this list and then we’ll get together and start reaching some consensus. Be sure to let me know if there’s anything I can bring.