MRI machines finding unwanted growths

Remember way back at the beginning of this blog I mentioned that guys are genetically predisposed to picking a mental point somewhere between 16-24 and staying there their whole life? Ok, just keep that in mind.

Last week I had one of those opportunities to be part of the fiscal devil that is medical care. Fortunately for me, I live in a world that has socialized medicine so it doesn't actually cost me anything. And I think I know why...

...and the why is that they skimped on pretty much everything including, I'm concerned to note, the size of MRI tubes. Now, I'm a little heavier than I want to be, but I don't think I'm in any danger of showing up on "PeopleofWalmart.com" anytime soon. So it was more than a little disconcerting when they pushed me into the MRI machine they had to spray me down with PAM. Ok, they didn't have to grease me like a sheet of Thanksgiving rolls, but it was ... snug.

So my two questions are these: 1. In the questionnaire you get before they shove you in this thing, they ask if you're claustrophobic. What if you say. 'yes?' I want to know because if there's a way to do that for people who are claustrophobic, I want that option. I didn't think I was claustrophobic, and I guess I'm not as I didn't scream like a 5 year old girl or shake uncontrollably, but mostly because there wasn't room enough to do either of those things.

My 2nd question is: How do people who are really fat get in there. You know the people...those women who wear spandex the same way crushed meat wears a sausage casing. If I'm uncomfortable in that thing, they've got to feel like Play-doh in a clenched fist.

But besides all that, the real potential awkwardness from an MRI machine comes from the 16-year old male brain - and I really feel for any 15-16 year old male that has to spend any time in one of these things.

First, if you've never experienced one of these, they give you the traditional hospital gown, with the saving grace of you get to keep your underwear on. But then they drop a light towel or blanket or something over you and shove you in the tube.

For, like, 20 minutes.

And you CAN'T MOVE

And the machine is vibrating like an unbalanced washing machine.

If you are a guy sitting there trying ... how shall we say ... trying not to think of anything except maybe baseball, for 20 minutes and not move, there is the potential for your mind to wander.

Science has proven that the average male thinks about sex roughly every seven seconds. For the ease of math, let's say every 6 seconds - that's 10 times per minute. 20 minutes, times 10 -- so 200 times you're thinking about sex ... but WAIT...you're in a tube and you can't move! So you obviously can't think about anything remotely sexual (like the phrase "lubed up to fit in the tube" - you just can't and you know why.

So you have to NOT think about sex. Yeah, right. Ok, so let's call it every three seconds now, because you know once you can't think about something, that's all you can think about.

So, what to do. Sleep? Hell No! That's probably the worst thing you could do. Plus it's really loud in that thing - and that is probably a design feature - the noise gives you a distraction.

Until it becomes a kind of subtle rythym.

Damn.

(And to those of you wondering ... I managed to think of nothing but baseball for 20 minutes. Well, that and kind of writing this blog in my head and thinking about just what it would say had I not been able to think about baseball, and the reaction I would have received when a laughing doctor would inevitably tell me that the scan picked up a growth.)

Next time you're in one of those - you'll be thinking about this blog.
Good luck with that.