I’ve been thinking for a while (about 30 seconds truth be told) about getting a new iPhone 4S – with Siri. If you haven’t heard about it, Siri stands, I think, for Small i, Really Irritating. Or it probably does. I don’t know because I don’t have one, but apparently it’s amazing because you can now ask your telephone questions and it will answer you. This is long overdue and there are obviously millions of people in America who could really use one.
I’d be willing to bet though, that Siri gives useful answers instead of the answers people really need to hear. I’m sure, for instance, that if the dumb-ass in the corn maze in Massachusetts had one and said, “I’m lost in a maze and need assistance,” Siri would have calmly answered, “dial 9-1-1 for assistance.”
What it should have said – and what it would have said in my world was, “I see you’re in the middle of a corn maze. Are you freaking kidding me? You can’t find your way out? You can move corn stalks you tool – just pick a direction. And please drop me while you’re at it.”
In fact, I’d program Siri to talk when you didn’t ask it questions. For instance, if Siri realized you were traveling at 65mph and using the device, she’d suddenly just scream, “PULL THE FUCK OVER YOU MORON!” And then, when you did pull over, Siri would talk to your car and shut it down in such a way that it would take you a tow truck, three weeks and a thousand dollars to start it again.
Because she’s a “female,” Siri would also screw with people whom she didn’t like and she’d be bitchy about it. Let’s say, for instance, you didn’t talk to Siri enough. When you get home from work, Siri would wait until dinner and then say very loudly, “Bob, that woman who usually only calls you at work and whose number you keep erasing from my memory is trying to call you again…” Fortunately, the scientists at Apple have that problem fairly under control and it usually only happens once a month.
I hope they’ve built a sense of humor into it though. Because you know there are some people who are really far down the genetic food chain who will ask it questions like this:
Siri, do these pants make my ass look big? “That’s your ass? I thought you left me on the sofa?”
Siri, what do I want to eat tonight? “Yak liver pate and puffer fish. Yeah, definitely get the puffer fish – there’s a guy who does a mean back-alley puffer fish across town – go there.”
Again, I don’t know what Siri is like, but I know what mine would be like and I think most people would agree, mine would be a lot more fun. Hell, people would keep asking it questions like a Magic 8-Ball just to see what it would come up with. I think I’d also build a program just for stoners so that Siri would just say random stuff and constantly mention ding dongs… “pretty lights make cat piano wallaby if we go get some ding dongs…”
There is so much potential here but I’m sure it will be wasted even though I'm pretty sure that within a year or so savvy collegians will make up Siri-based drinking games.
I'm sadly just as sure that network news will lose what trifling little credibility they have left by asking Siri’s take on the news.
“They found Mohmmar Ghadaffi today, Siri, what do you think about that?”
“Well, Bob, I think he probably should have hidden in a corn maze in Massachusetts.”
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