Why are boys different than girls and what good are breasts?

So, Wednesday, the 16th of this month is my son’s 9th birthday and I’m sitting here in Texas wondering what the hell I’m doing in Texas when it’s my son’s 9th birthday and thinking of how big he’s getting and how grown up he’s getting.


Then Shadow says to me, “he asked me the other day why we’re here. You know, what’s the meaning of life?”

Holy crap! Really? He skipped right over “why are boys different than girls?” and “what good are breasts?” and went straight to the meaning of life? Damn.

Now, this cuts both ways. First, I’m mighty proud to be the dad to such a smart and thoughtful young man. Second, I’m a little bothered that he skipped over “why are boys different than girls?” and “what good are breasts?” Because those are the questions I was really banking on and I’ve been practicing on those two questions thinking I’d shunt off the heavy-philosophical stuff to the Shadow.

And here’s the problem with being in Texas: So, I asked Shadow, what did you tell him when he asked?

(Laughing) I told him to ask you.

Nice. Thanks. From 2000 miles away I’m getting totally jobbed by my own wife. So, now I have to think of an answer to this highly thought-provoking and serious question. I’m lucky in the sense that he’s not asking this at that weird teen age when they start dressing all in black and taking a serious interest in anything that might remotely piss me off. So, all in all, I figure this is an opportunity to set him on a path that won’t lead to me having to learn anything about Goths or vampires or non-visible body piercings or home-made henna tattoos from some brownie-ed up hippy with a ’77 Gremlin with a sun floor.

This is my opportunity to … to…. Make some shit up, I guess.

Oh, come on! Did you really think I was going to be able to pass this particular muster? Really?

Have we met? Asking me the meaning of life is like asking Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan to be your kids’ godparents. The best you’re likely to get out of this is 20 minutes of Monty Python starting with Mr. Creosote in the restaurant scene followed by a couple choruses of “every sperm is sacred.”

I don’t even know why I’m in Texas much less why life has evolved on a singular planet amidst a galaxy with, as a conservative estimate, 500,000 planets that might potentially hold some life as we know it. I joined the Air Force because of free pizza for goodness sake. If you don’t believe me, ask my high school friends or my family. My recruiter’s name was Kermit. As God is my witness that’s true. I was offered pizza by a guy named Kermit and here I am 24+ years later trying to give a reasonable answer as to the meaning of life to a child who is still young enough to think I’m smart.

I suppose I could try the pseudo-science approach and say, “water.” We are here because of water. It allows us to live and this is the only planet with liquid water. But I can’t carry that through to its logical conclusion because I suck at science … and he doesn’t.

I could try the religious approach but if I follow that road it could lead someone to the conclusion that we are here to impose our religious beliefs on those who don’t hold them no matter what means we use to do it. The Jews, the Christians, the Muslims - they have all done it or are doing it now. Not a great message there. Certainly, “to kill each other” while plenty ironic, isn’t an acceptable answer to ‘why are we here?’

So, I have to answer the question for myself first and I’m a little annoyed because I’ve not really given any thought to it for decades now.

The reason I’ll probably end up giving him will likely be something like this: This is a question you can’t answer thinking forward – only looking backward. Why you are here is something you’ll have to figure out for yourself as you live your life and make your choices. Will you do something that makes a difference to you or someone else? Will you do something that makes where you are a better place? If you find yourself doing something like that, then you’ll probably find the answer to your question. But it’s a different answer for each person. The fact that we are here, however, gives us the opportunity to make a conscious choice to be here for a reason. What that reason turns out to be for each of us, will define us as individuals. What those choices are as individuals will define us as a people. How we got here doesn’t really matter. Knowing or not knowing, we’re still left with a life to live. What we choose to do with that life: the friends we make, the impressions we leave on others, the commitments we make ... In the end we’ll look back on our life and point to something and say, that is why I was here. The real question is, when you say it, will it be an answer you're proud of? Yeah, it will probably be something like that.

But what I’ll really be thinking will be: the meaning of life is what happens when you figure out what makes boys different than girls and why breasts on women are good, but on men, not so much.