By Official Proclamation - Happy National Bunsen Burner Day

So, wanting to do something meaningful in this space for once, I started to do some research on how much the federal government spends on all that “National Hot Dog Day” type of jackassery the government loves to spend your money on by signing Proclamations.

Somehow I figure there has to be a dollar figure associated with that because there are bureaucrats who approve this kind of thing. There is also probably a grant or something the government hands out to help people promote “Frog Jumping Week” or some other nonsense.

Here’s the really scary thing about this – five minutes ago I thought I just made up “Frog Jumping Week” trying to be clever. Then I thought…maybe… and I went to Google and typed in Frog Jumping. It turns out I was wrong but only in as much as frog jumping doesn’t get a whole week. May 13 is National Frog Jumping Day. (and National Leprechaun Day and National Blame Someone Else Day which is really convenient if your frog finishes last and you don’t find a Leprechaun. And why we have a day for an entirely fanciful Irish hobgoblin is beyond me.) But there it is - they all exist.

Naturally, on my way to commit journalistic acts of public service, I was thwarted by myself and started looking up all these goofy days and observances. There are too many to count. Of all the sites I visited, however, probably the most easy to use was from, of all people, the Hallmark Channel. You can find them at: www.theultimateholidaysite.com

If you’re at all interested, today is National Bunsen Burner Day. Now, according to the ever-practical Wikipedia, most of the observances listed above are not, strictly speaking, observances as accorded by the President or Congress. That particular list is not nearly as much fun to read, but takes just as long.

Keep in mind, the following are observances that in some way you’ve paid for through the salaries of federal employees who have to approve these and keep the lists and etc.

Apparently, there is a ‘children’s day’ - it’s the first Monday in June.

Mothers and Fathers as you know, each have their own day, but there is also a Parent’s Day the last Sunday in July. Back in ’94 President Clinton took time out of his busy games of ‘hide the cigar’ to sign an actual Congressional Resolution (36 U.S.C. 135 if you’re interested) for “recognizing, uplifting, and supporting the role of parents in the rearing of children," which is almost ironic.

Full disclosure forces me to include that the bill was introduced by a Republican, and Judge Ruth Bader Ginsburg of the Supreme Court said, “Replacing Mother's Day and Father's Day with a Parents' Day should be considered, as an observance more consistent with a policy of minimizing traditional sex-based differences in parental roles."

Oh, those horrible ‘sex based differences’ like only women can conceive and bear children and breast feed and stuff like that and only men can get up at 2 a.m. during the third trimester to drive 15 miles in a snowstorm to a 24-hour Cumberland Farms to buy an $8 pint of Ben & Jerrys Chunky Monkey – to bring home to their poor wife, who upon his return is sound asleep – as all she really wanted was him out of the bed in the first place so her over-heating body could throw off the covers and she could be comfortable, but because it was 6 degrees outside and he wasn’t heavy with child, he wanted the covers on. Now he’s home, she’s asleep and he’s watching Cinemax in the living room with two blankets, an afghan, and a pint of Ben and Jerrys Chunky Monkey. I think Ruth should maybe just shut the hell up.

Loyalty Day is May 1. It’s “set aside for the reaffirmation of loyalty to the United States and for the recognition of the heritage of American freedom.” Which sounds sort of Soviet-ish to me.

Gold Star Mothers get a day of observance the last Sunday in September. If you don’t know the term, Gold Star Mother is the mother of a service member killed in action. Today driving around the country you might see small flags hanging in windows – mostly with blue stars – one for each serving son or daughter in the military. A gold star represents a son or daughter who has been killed in the line of duty. This is a non-political organization that has been around for about 83 years. If you’ve ever seen Saving Private Ryan, you’ll notice Pvt Ryan’s mother had such a flag in her window when she was notified of the deaths of two of her sons. There are also Gold Star Wives and Gold Star Siblings. Oddly, there is no such group for fathers or husbands. Although husbands of Gold Star Mothers may become ‘associate members’ who can’t vote and don’t pay dues. Must be part of that ‘sex based difference’ ole’ Ruth was talking about.

As you’ve probably figured out, the list of observances is long in an ungainly fashion. Others include National Airborne Day (as in Army guys who jump out of perfectly good planes); Lief Erikson Day (Oct. 9); Gen Pulaski Memorial Day (Oct. 11) as every elementary school graduate knows, Gen Pulaski was a Revolutionary War hero.

You didn’t know? Now you do. See, you learned something here. Of all places.

Of course, over the lifespan of human events, some observances stop being followed. You’d think the list would be as long as the current observances. You’d be so very wrong. Baltic Freedom Day which had a glorious 10 year run from 1982-1992 is no longer with us; the reasoning, I suppose, is that the Baltics having their freedom, are now free to get their own days; and National Catfish Day, which had a singular year in 1987 – the spike of interest I suppose being that stupid singing fish plaque that appeared around that time.

In the interest of equal time for those of us who fall under the ‘sex based difference’ file, I also checked out some other observances I thought particularly applicable to my job-imposed quasi-bachelorhood. You can find a complete list here: http://www.menstuff.org/calendar/workshops/awareness.html

July 15 - Anti-Boredom Day. This year will mark the 15th annual one. Apparently there is an actual “Boring Institute” which I believe is in the front closet of BOB.

July 31 – National Abstain from Sex Day. This will be my second consecutive year taking part in this particular festivity. I think I’m getting a T-shirt in the mail. If I can do it next year too, they said they’ll make me the National Chairman as it’s never been done three times in a row. This is a day, and I only wish I were making this up, “set aside to prove to those who think men can’t abstain from sex for even one day, to prove them wrong.”

Let me not be the first to say: They’re not wrong.

Men can do it if we have to do it. (see exhibit A: me) No man would do it by choice. (Ibid) Those magazines at the grocery story – the women’s magazines – that say 50 Things to Drive Your Man Wild in Bed – those are the dumbest things ever. If you want to get a man into bed, just ask politely – or not – whether he’d like to have sex. You could just come in from mucking out the cow barn - it won’t matter.

I’m going to say without fear of contradiction that even those men whose doctors have told them that sexual activity may indeed cause their heart to explode in their chests, will roll the dice.

Ladies, ask your husbands or boyfriends – I dare you to prove me wrong. You won’t.

Men…you’re welcome.

May 1-7 is Cartoon Art Appreciation Week. You can’t go wrong with a week of Calvin and Hobbes.

May 8-13 is National Etiquette Week. To help you get over the previous seven days of indulging in cartoon art.

Sept. 5 - Be Late for Something Day. I’d like to be late for Abstain From Sex Day please.

July 2 - This is perhaps my favorite one of all. I Forgot Day. A day to make up for all the holidays and birthdays/anniversaries etc you forgot throughout the year. Perfect.

July 10-16 is Nude Recreation Week. Before you get too excited about this, keep in mind that in your community it’s probably being held at the outdoor living section of WalMart.

September - Shameless Promotion month. I think this is a great idea and I’d like to get started a little early by asking that you link this blog to your FaceBook page. First follower who says they signed up because of a link you posted will be given a free pass from Abstain From Sex Day 2012. I'll be the president of the committee then. I'll sign a Proclamation.