The Shadow has a bit of a sadistic streak and this was proven to me this last weekend when she decided it was time for me to “improve myself” to help me in finding a job when I finally retire from the one I have in the next 8-12 months or whatever.
Improving myself, apparently involves cosmetics. Now the women who read this would scoff at calling what I’m about to describe as cosmetics in any description they’re familiar with, but ladies, this ain’t about you.
So after discussing with me in some detail my numerous and apparently glaring skin and hair-related issues, Shadow lovingly sent me packing to the store with a list of stuff to buy – and with that, an expectation to actually use it.
Before leaving, I decided to do a self-inspection just to see if there were any justification for her suggestions. Thankfully, I had fully cleaned my large bathroom mirror the day before and was therefore entranced to find that at 42 I do not have the silky smooth and handsomely tanned skin of my youth. In fact, you could say it was rugged. Not in the manly “mountains as seen from a distance” rugged, but more in the “over-confident weekend climb up the never-fricking’-ending state park scenic hike” rugged. In other words I had Hobbit ears and feet and for the most part looked like I should have finished molting some time ago.
So I’m driving to the store.
Remember a few months back when I bought reed diffusers and I likened it to the first time buying condoms or feminine hygiene products? This was like that except that I was hoping to find reed diffusers.
I first noticed the lack of chromosomes as I was laughing to myself that there were actually “tools” to assist in the removal of acne. Ironically, these tools were six inches from the fake fingernails so I had to assume someone had a sense of humor and that there was probably a hidden camera somewhere. Regardless, I grabbed a packet of tweezers, clippers, files, brushes and those cute little scissors with the rounded points that you can run around the house as much as you want with while singing the nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah song – and then I made my way around the corner.
The store apparently has an entire section devoted to apricot face scrub. Men, this is where your wives and girlfriends are. All of them. These aisles are the department store equivalent of the ladies restroom at a restaurant. The women hunt in packs and they are fiercely protective of their territory.
It was here, while I was staring befuddled at the array of face scrubs that I had that prickling sensation at the back of my neck and I slowly looked to my left. Four women immediately looked down at whatever they were holding. They had grouped together like herd animals determined to drive an invader off their territory and there was no hint of civility. To break the tension I started to ask the least skittish which she would recommend. When it looked like she might actually help me, the other three, whom I sure were not in any way acquaintances of her for more than 3 minutes, circled around her and moved her down the aisle, there to re-establish their collective glare.
In trying to find words to describe this I cannot place an adequate term within the sphere of cosmetetological reference so I have to borrow from dating parlance which isn't entirely accurate but, let's be honest, it's kind of funny … I was cock-blocked. By three strangers. All because I wanted to know the cleansing merits of a particular apricot facial scrub.
In the several seconds it took to process what had happened I quickly took whatever product it was I was holding and ran for cover only to find myself in…the hair color aisle.
Now, I hate to do this to you but I feel it necessary. There are, in fact, 12 human genes that control hair color. Now, I know as much about genetics as I do about hair care products and I’m not even sure what all these genes do (none of them actually), but if you are interested in this kind of thing, here they are:
ID Symbol Location
1638 DCT 13q32
2315 MLANA 9p24.1
4157 MC1R 16q24.3 (This regulates mammalian hair color)
4158 MC2R 18p11.2
4644 MY05A 15q21
4948 OCA2 15q
5367 PMCH 12q23.2
5443 POMC 2p23.3
6490 SILV 12q13-q14
7299 TYR 11q14-q21
7306 TYRP1 9p23
79083 MLPH 2q37.3
So, what does all this science gobbledeegook have to do with hair color? Well, according to some marketing geek somewhere, there are more than 40 different hair colors.
I’ve known people with black and brown hair, those are easy. Then there is gray like me, white like my dad and blue like the really old ladies and the punk rockers. There are red heads – and while there may be shades, it doesn’t really matter unless it’s fire-truck red but those people have a whole other set of problems. Then there are the blondes, the dirty blondes and the slutty blondes. So if we throw out the red and blue, we’re left with 8 distinguishable hair colors.
Interestingly there are about 7 basic colors. So we must throw out the white hair, which isn’t really a color but an absence of color (white hairs are actually clear but they look white as light reflects off them – or something like that) so we have seven distinguishable hair colors. Men work in these tight confines of science ladies. If you take a gallon of blue paint and throw in four drops of yellow, technically you have a different color – Early Morning Sunrise – or something equally barf-inducing … but what you really have is…BLUE. A million times out of a million, a guy will see blue (providing he’s not color blind and even if he is, he’s not losing a lot in the way of chromo-fidelity if you think about it).
So, just to see if I might be wrong, I did a little research (very little as none of you freeloaders are actually paying me to do this). Our friends at Clairol list the following: six shades of blond (slutty not among them oddly enough); 8 shades of brown; 1 shade of black; and 3 of red.
Nice ‘n’ Easy – 44 shades of colors.
But below is my favorite – from a website I’m not going to drive any more people to view, but whose authors obviously have more free time on their hands than I do. Below you will find, with helpful definitions – including dictionary definitions – 9 blonds, 4 reds, 8 browns, 3 blacks, 5 grays, and 2 whites. Everything in italics is exactly from the site with no meddling from me:
- Blond – ash
- Blond – bronze. Dictionary definition: 1. Any of various alloys of copper and tin, 2. A moderate yellowish to olive brown. By contrast, "brassy" means cheap, showy, and artificial.
- Blond – flaxen. Dictionary definition: Having the pale yellow color of flax fiber.
- Blond - ginger.
- Blond – golden
- Blond – honey
- Blond – platinum. Dictionary definition: A very light silver-blond hair color, esp. when artificially produced.
- Blond – tawny
- Blond – wheaten
- Red – auburn
- Red – copper
- Red – flaming
- Red – strawberry blond.
- Brown – ash
- Brown – ginger. See Blond - ginger.
- Brown – sandy. Dictionary definition: the color of sand; yellowish red.
- Brown – chestnut. Dictionary Definition: Of a grayish brown to moderate reddish brown. Again, forget the grayish part of the dictionary definition. Chestnut hair is a warm medium-brown with a hint of reddish or orange tones.
- Brown – russet. Dictionary Definition: 1. A moderate to strong brown. 2. A coarse reddish-brown to brown homespun cloth. 3. A winter apple with a rough reddish-brown skin. I've got to admit here at Obsidianbookshelf.com that I don't know what a "strong brown" is. I think of russet color as an attractive medium reddish-brown.
- Brown – russet. See Red - russet
- Brown – sable. Dictionary definition: 1. A carnivorous mammal … having soft dark fur, 2. The color black, esp. in heraldry. 3. A grayish yellowish brown.
- Brown – sorrel. Dictionary definition: 1. A brownish orange to light brown, 2. A sorrel-colored horse.
- Black – jet. Dictionary definition: 1. A dense black coal that takes a high polish and is used for jewelry. 2. A deep black. Jet black hair is a cliché. If you must use it, write it as "jet black" and not "jet."
- Black – raven. Raven hair is a cliché. A shiny true black with blue highlights.
- Black – sooty black. A soft true black like coal. Always describe it as "sooty black" rather than "sooty" so it's clear that you don't mean literally covered with soot.
- Gray – ash
- Gray – iron
- Gray – salt and pepper. This refers to an even mix of gray hair and dark hair. It can look very attractive.
- Gray – silver
- Gray – steel
- White – pearl. Always write it as "pearl white hair" rather than "pearl hair". This refers to white hair with a soft luminous glow like pearls.
- White – snow, snowy, snow-white. All clichés.
Now, despite this mesmerizing amount of hair paint, I couldn’t find anything to slightly darken my graying sides. Not one box of a male person wanting to make his move into or from ‘ash’.
But, I’m ok with that because now when I go for an interview and am filling out my application where it says hair color, I’ll just say, “Iron” or if I’m in a particularly good mood, “steel”.
I feel improved already.
No comments:
Post a Comment