Siri is here - but my version would be better

I’ve been thinking for a while (about 30 seconds truth be told) about getting a new iPhone 4S – with Siri. If you haven’t heard about it, Siri stands, I think, for Small i, Really Irritating. Or it probably does. I don’t know because I don’t have one, but apparently it’s amazing because you can now ask your telephone questions and it will answer you. This is long overdue and there are obviously millions of people in America who could really use one.

I’d be willing to bet though, that Siri gives useful answers instead of the answers people really need to hear. I’m sure, for instance, that if the dumb-ass in the corn maze in Massachusetts had one and said, “I’m lost in a maze and need assistance,” Siri would have calmly answered, “dial 9-1-1 for assistance.”

What it should have said – and what it would have said in my world was, “I see you’re in the middle of a corn maze. Are you freaking kidding me? You can’t find your way out? You can move corn stalks you tool – just pick a direction. And please drop me while you’re at it.”

In fact, I’d program Siri to talk when you didn’t ask it questions. For instance, if Siri realized you were traveling at 65mph and using the device, she’d suddenly just scream, “PULL THE FUCK OVER YOU MORON!” And then, when you did pull over, Siri would talk to your car and shut it down in such a way that it would take you a tow truck, three weeks and a thousand dollars to start it again.

Because she’s a “female,” Siri would also screw with people whom she didn’t like and she’d be bitchy about it. Let’s say, for instance, you didn’t talk to Siri enough. When you get home from work, Siri would wait until dinner and then say very loudly, “Bob, that woman who usually only calls you at work and whose number you keep erasing from my memory is trying to call you again…” Fortunately, the scientists at Apple have that problem fairly under control and it usually only happens once a month.

I hope they’ve built a sense of humor into it though. Because you know there are some people who are really far down the genetic food chain who will ask it questions like this:

Siri, do these pants make my ass look big? “That’s your ass? I thought you left me on the sofa?”

Siri, what do I want to eat tonight? “Yak liver pate and puffer fish. Yeah, definitely get the puffer fish – there’s a guy who does a mean back-alley puffer fish across town – go there.”

Again, I don’t know what Siri is like, but I know what mine would be like and I think most people would agree, mine would be a lot more fun. Hell, people would keep asking it questions like a Magic 8-Ball just to see what it would come up with. I think I’d also build a program just for stoners so that Siri would just say random stuff and constantly mention ding dongs… “pretty lights make cat piano wallaby if we go get some ding dongs…”

There is so much potential here but I’m sure it will be wasted even though I'm pretty sure that within a year or so savvy collegians will make up Siri-based drinking games.

I'm sadly just as sure that network news will lose what trifling little credibility they have left by asking Siri’s take on the news.

“They found Mohmmar Ghadaffi today, Siri, what do you think about that?”

“Well, Bob, I think he probably should have hidden in a corn maze in Massachusetts.”

You Can Help Decide How Far I Ride

This week the folks who put on the Soldier Ride San Antonio - the fund-raising bicycle event to benefit the Wounded Warrior Project - put out the course route and distances for the Nov. 12 ride. The good news is they have a 25-mile route which I can do. The bad news is 25 miles is the shortest route.

There is also a 55 mile route, which my ego says I should try, but my brain tells me would be fool-hardy at the very least.

So, what to do...?

In the finest tradition of the political season which is all to early upon us, I've decided I'm going to let other people make up my mind for me. For you see, as this is a fund-raising venture, there are funds to be raised. Right now I've got a little over $400 but my stated goal has always been $1,000.

So, here's my plan. If I can achieve $1,000 in donations, I'll give the 55 mile distance a shot. For many cyclists this is no big deal. However, I'm not many cyclists. In fact I've never ridden more than 25 at any one time - ever. Hell, I just got the bike a couple months ago. So to try to pedal 55 miles will make excellent use of my body's ability to cripple itself I'm sure.

And in case you're curious, the 55 mile route isn't just a 25 mile route twice - it's one of those routes that once you're on it - you're on it. So short of falling off the bike and being a total wuss, it's pretty much all in after the 9-mile point.

If you are at all inclined, please click the link below which will take you to my Soldier Ride donation page and, if you can, please throw a few bucks to veterans who have quite literally often given a piece of themselves for America.

If you need me to do more than cycle 55 miles to earn your donation, let me hear what you've got in mind and I'll consider it. I only ask you make it do-able and if at all possible, amusing.

As for now, I promise this will be my last mention of the ride until after it's happened and the last time I ask you to consider donating. I'm sure this space will contain some account of the day by Nov. 13.

I'd like to thank some folks (again) for their help in getting me 40% of the way to my goal...so far:

- Ed Boucher
- Steve Bushey
- Val and Tim Trefts
- Scott Wakefield
- David Smith
- Lynne and Steve Cory
- Jon and Marie VanGuilder

Click here to donate: