So, after 25 years I finally got to attend a high school reunion and put into action all those plans I’ve been making for how to redeem myself and show that I’m a reasonably together mid-lifer instead of the total dorkmeister I was in high school.
For the occasion the Shadow figured I would be better off if she bought me some new clothes instead of what I was preparing to wear – black and white checked shirt with thin leather tie, ripped acid-washed jeans and a bandana ala Loverboy. (For the record and to aid the occasional reader of this blog, she didn’t really care if I made a fool of myself, but she was attending the event as well and she did not want to be on the receiving end of sympathy looks all night.)
Now, by way of a primer for those of you who have never been to a high school reunion, and as a public service, the following are some steps you should probably take to get ready for the big evening.
First, take a glance at your yearbook to see if you can remember someone – anyone. After 25 years the chances are good that you can convince at least one person you remember them from a party where you were both hammered.
Second, Grosse Point Blank is an excellent film to watch right before a reunion because of the reunion scene in the film. Odds are some of the guys at your reunion will have seen the movie. As we all know, a good portion of the male brain is dedicated to memorizing movie lines. These lines should only be used in an emergency when the conversation gets slow, or while in line for beer.
Third, and this is me being generous because really what I want is for you to learn this for yourself the hard way … girls still like to dance. And guys still do not. In many respects your high school reunion will remind you more of a 7th grade dance in the gymnasium once the music starts.
Still, prepped as I was in my new duds and armed with movie lines and a bunch of money for beer, the Shadow and I arrived and found it wasn’t so bad. Most of the guys I remembered pretty well. All of them, in fact. The women…not so much. Even with nametags and fresh short-term memory application of the yearbook – I came up blank more than once. It was terribly embarrassing but not especially surprising as women were not my major in any positive pubescent sort of way in high school.
As you prepare to talk to people at a substantive reunion, you should know that 25 years is a very long time and people change - and so do their families. Because I'm from a small town, I know many of my classmates’ parents, and some of the "catching up" stories were a little alarming – not so much because of the subject, but because these stories likely foreshadow our behavior in another 30 years. I won't relate any of these stories but suffice to say copious food storage, fear of anarchy and tinfoil hats figure prominently. On my news browser I've now got several new favorites including the hometown paper obituaries, the Darwin Awards, and News of the Weird. If these folks are going to show up again, it will be in one of those places.
A reunion also lets you be a little amazed by just how well people who were buffoons at 17 (that would be all 17 year olds) are doing at 43. Of course, anyone who might say, “I’m thinking of opening a meth lab in my bathroom…” is probably not going to be at the reunion, but the people at this event all had really respectable jobs. With big companies. Doing grown-up things while I’m spending most of my time wondering if I’ll make enough of a connection with my new apartment to name it. I was also impressed to the edge of fear because next year I’ll be out of work.
Fourth, bring business cards. You never know.
All in all, it was a lot of fun and it was good to say hi to folks I haven't seen in years and give life a little perspective. When we got home, the Shadow and I were discussing the possibility that maybe I had accomplished my goal of putting my past dork demons to rest. Then my lovely Shadow gave me a kiss and told me she loved me and I thought things were going to get prom-good when she grabbed my ass…and pulled back from me holding the waist measurement sticker from the back of my pants.
I guess there's always the 30th reunion in 2016.
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